Friday, July 17, 2009

Fear

What is fear? Why do we experience it? What is its purpose? All questions which I have no answers to. All I know is that I am scared; scared of everything. Scared of death, physical pain, emotional pain, loss, failure, disappointment, the unknown, the future, etc. So what do I do about this fear. That is something I hope to work out in therapy soon. My Mom says to consult the bible in regards to my fears. I have, and I have found some very useful knowledge. However, I have also found some things I disagree with. Is it right to only believe in what I want to believe from the bible? Or is that hypocritical of me? If I am a Christian does that mean I have to honor, believe in, and obey everything this sacred books tells us? Or am I able to pick and choose what I want to believe in based on my own personal ethics and beliefs? So many questions tonight and yet so few answers. I don't like this; I don't like not knowing. I am so scared of not knowing. I am looking for something to trust, for something to give me hope, for a real faith in something. I know what I have been taught, I know what I am "supposed" to believe in, but I cannot shake my feelings of doubt and uncertainty. I seriously need to be relieved from my fear because it is controlling my life. My thoughts are completely out of control. I need help, but from whom or from what? Religion, the bible, God....are those my only options? Not that they are bad options. I know that they are the best options, its just I feel so disconnected from that part of life. I want to feel connected. I want to trust and believe whole heartedly. But....there is something holding me back. Something I don't fully understand. Something I want to defeat. I just have so many desires in my life that I am not currently fulfilling. I want to be healthier; live my life on a schedule yet have flexibility for fun. I want to study more, spend less time interested in stupid celebrity gossip, spend more time outdoors, read more, exercise more, gossip less, cook more, talk to my friends and family more, judge less, do things for others more, love more, live more. What is this entity that is holding me back? I know that it is something that lies only in my mind but I don't know how to destroy it. The conclusion that I have come to is that it is this thing we call fear that holds me back; that prevents me from living out my dreams and goals. But why? Why would I fear success and true happiness? This does not make sense to me. I am determined to tackle this fear head on. I can't take it anymore. I don't care where this fear comes from or how strong it really is, but I am going to fight it, and I am going to win. I will beat this fear, because if I don't, I will never be truly content with who I am and how I live my life. Until next time....J.

1 comment:

  1. Faith in God is the answer......trust Him.....give your life to Him and let go of the control. It's easier than you think......think less, trust God more. Add gratitude to your daily life too. The grateful heart is a cheerful heart. I pray you feel and know God's peace today and forever.....Love you lots, Mom

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