Frustration

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Fear

What is fear? Why do we experience it? What is its purpose? All questions which I have no answers to. All I know is that I am scared; scared of everything. Scared of death, physical pain, emotional pain, loss, failure, disappointment, the unknown, the future, etc. So what do I do about this fear. That is something I hope to work out in therapy soon. My Mom says to consult the bible in regards to my fears. I have, and I have found some very useful knowledge. However, I have also found some things I disagree with. Is it right to only believe in what I want to believe from the bible? Or is that hypocritical of me? If I am a Christian does that mean I have to honor, believe in, and obey everything this sacred books tells us? Or am I able to pick and choose what I want to believe in based on my own personal ethics and beliefs? So many questions tonight and yet so few answers. I don't like this; I don't like not knowing. I am so scared of not knowing. I am looking for something to trust, for something to give me hope, for a real faith in something. I know what I have been taught, I know what I am "supposed" to believe in, but I cannot shake my feelings of doubt and uncertainty. I seriously need to be relieved from my fear because it is controlling my life. My thoughts are completely out of control. I need help, but from whom or from what? Religion, the bible, God....are those my only options? Not that they are bad options. I know that they are the best options, its just I feel so disconnected from that part of life. I want to feel connected. I want to trust and believe whole heartedly. But....there is something holding me back. Something I don't fully understand. Something I want to defeat. I just have so many desires in my life that I am not currently fulfilling. I want to be healthier; live my life on a schedule yet have flexibility for fun. I want to study more, spend less time interested in stupid celebrity gossip, spend more time outdoors, read more, exercise more, gossip less, cook more, talk to my friends and family more, judge less, do things for others more, love more, live more. What is this entity that is holding me back? I know that it is something that lies only in my mind but I don't know how to destroy it. The conclusion that I have come to is that it is this thing we call fear that holds me back; that prevents me from living out my dreams and goals. But why? Why would I fear success and true happiness? This does not make sense to me. I am determined to tackle this fear head on. I can't take it anymore. I don't care where this fear comes from or how strong it really is, but I am going to fight it, and I am going to win. I will beat this fear, because if I don't, I will never be truly content with who I am and how I live my life. Until next time....J.

Depressed

I am super depressed. I found out recently that I have been taking a medication that is making me gain weight. Ahh!!! Not cool. So I am up from my comfortable weight about 15 lbs. now and am freaking out. It is making me so depressed. I can't wear any of my clothes besides baggy t-shirts and shorts, I am embarrassed to go out in public, I fear that people could consider me the F-word (fat), I don't feel like doing anything but sleeping it seems, and I am missing classes because of all of this. I am definitely depressed. This sucks! I have been working out and eating right as best I can without any drastic dieting (because that only makes me binge later) and my weight is still going up. I just stopped the meds yesterday so I will probably have a few weeks until it gets out of my system but I will seriously loose it if I gain anymore weight! Maybe I should just stop eating. Maybe I should just strike against food until my weight goes down. Nah, we all know what happens when you do that, you just end up binging when you get ravenously hungry and that would just make things worse. So what to do what to do....I guess I am just going to keep at it. I will keep working out and eating right and stop feeling sorry for myself, although all of that is easier said than done. Also I should probably ask what would Jesus do?! Until next time....

Where To Begin...

So, OK, I guess I am going to copy my nerdy little brother and start a blog. Just kidding Scott you are the coolest! I don't even know what this blog is going to be about; and who the hell is going to read this? I have many things I could blog about so I guess I'll begin with an introduction of who I am and what I do with my life. I am about to turn a mere twenty......twenty......twenty-six years old. UGH! Sadly I am still a full time college student at this age. I had some "struggles" I guess you could say when I was younger and have had my degree pushed back a little....a little meaning 5 years. I am going to school for nutrition so I can one day be a masterful dietitian and help ignorant people eat right. Just kidding again, well kind of! I don't know why any of this would be relevant to anyone, yet, I will still share this extra special glimpse into my life with whoever may come across my blog in cyber-world. I live with my boyfriend of 5 years in Jacksonville Florida. We have the most amazing dog in the whole freakin world! His name is Cody and he is a Pembroke Welsh Corgi. He is body is low and stumpy like a dachshund but he has a coat of fur like a German Shepard. He is the craziest and strangest dog in the whole history of dogs, but that is what makes him the best! Describing him won't do him much justice, but I assume I will have some random Corgi stories to proudly display in my future blogs. I guess I am going to use this blog as a place to vent and express who I am and what I think. Personally, I think my mind is something that should be shared with others. Believe me, it is a strange place in there! I look forward to adding blogging as another addiction/obsession to my already hefty list.....until next time....peace out!